kaolin fire presents :: thoughts :: shyness

1999::Dec::15

That's one of my main conversational flaws. Not only do I hesitate to go on about what I'm not fully confident of, it makes me uncomfortable to the point of not wanting to speak at all.

When I am interested in something but afraid to get into it, it's usually because I feel like I should know a lot more about it before I do... and I never take the time to learn more about it. Damned if I don't, and who knows what if I do. I'm slowly learning to swallow pride and just do stuff. Or not so much swallow pride, as to redirect it. Remind myself what matters to me. I don't, for the most part, care about other peoples' opinions of me. So why am I always afraid to speak up? Because if I screw up in front of other people, that will simply reinforce my own disdain for myself. :) [wow, that was neat -- I hadn't had that thought before, or at least not so concretely, I wonder if it's true]

In regards to preferring email conversation to voice... The computer's memory is far better than mine, though I'm slowly workingn on that. With email, I don't lose threads of conversation.

Also, I can pounce on any point, and go back to it if I've had other thoughts, and make them more comprehensible than if I were doing that voice.

I don't mind voice conversations. They can be very fun. Especially if they involve, say, a little red wine or cider, a relaxing game of pente, or go, or chess, or a slow and pleasant massage....