kaolin fire presents :: writing :: jokes

What do you get for the manic depressive who wants everything...and nothing?

A mood shirt—but assure them the shirt's not for them, it's for everyone else.

Why don't dogs use toilet paper?

Because they have sensitive butts.

...

It's rrrrrrrough!

"Family is what you make of it."—

Dr. Frankenstein

What do you call "vodka" with no alcohol in it?

child-proof.

I wasn't always a stand-up comedian, you know.

Yeah. I used to steal routines from everyone, had to go into joke-rehab….

What was it called when all the dinosaurs went up to Heaven?

The veloci-rapture.

This has apparently been done.

Why do weight lifters grunt when they're exercising?

They heard work is measured in ergs.

What's black and white and red all over?

A multi-racial love-fest.

Why did Robert Frost kick the jazz player out of his bedroom?

Miles to go before I sleep!

so a raccoon and a frog are sitting on a fence in a quiet neighborhood under a full moon. The frog looks pensive, so the raccoon asks him what's up.

"It's just been kinda bothering me. Humans don't realize we can talk."

"That's because we can't," replies the raccoon.

The frog has nothing to say to this.

Dr Who McCares has Bond strapped to a diabolical contraption.

Bond: "So, McCares... now that you have me at your mercy, what is this I hear about your plans for world domination?"

McCares: "I proudly proclaim the right not to incriminate myself!"

Bond: "You... you're an American? It all begins to make sense..."

McCares: "Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not. Perhaps I simply stole that right. You'll get no secrets from me!"

McCares fiddles with a widget and his diabolical contraption begins to hum ominously.

Bond: "I see you're going to be a tough walnut to crack. Perhaps we could share information."

McCares: "What could you possibly tell me? I am about to kill you once and for all."

Bond: "Well, for instance, I know how I'm planning to escape. You see, any moment now I'll have finished prying off this fake nail, under which is a small explosive charge that I'll maneuver skillfully to my bonds as so... and -- hey! You can't do that! Give me that back!"