kaolin fire presents :: thoughts :: pain

2000::Sep::19

I almost left this page either missing or blank, but since I haven't attained that level, that wouldn't be fair, it would only be a front.

Over the years, I've tried to remove my reactions to pain. Note: I am not a masochist (and I'm not a sadist, either) -- I don't revel in pain. I find it, honestly, really, really, REALLY annoying. Once I know something is wrong, somewhere, I want the pain to go away. Thank you, enough now, leave me alone, stop getting in the way!

For the earlier portion of my life, I concentrated on physical pains. I didn't quite realize that emotional pains could be attacked. Fond memories of whacking myself with a ruler, slowly toughening myself. There are earlier times, even, joining a silly little gang in third grade and toughening myself up for the initiation. These days, I have a pretty high pain tolerance. Not a high pain threshold, mind you -- I sense the pain. I've just learned to deal. (Sometimes I refer to this ability to deal with pain, and the ability to use muscles that aren't quite there to occasionally do superhuman feats, my stupidity.)

Emotional pain I've had a harder time dealing with (and all in all I think I've had a fair bit more emotional pain than physical, so make of that what you will...) Hope is one of the pains I've best dealt with. There is a curious line between being dead to the world and being able to deal with pain. I've tread water in its vicinity many times, and been kicked by monsoons into the wrong end of the reef. Not much to say, here, really -- it's tough.