kaolin fire presents :: thoughts :: self

2001::Feb::27

self??? right. this one's troubled me for years. I'm doing better now (or worse, I'm sure, depending on perspective. Self comes from here and goes there, that's a start. One tries to encapsulate it in a biography.

I once was someone who didn't have a self, though I wasn't selfless. I had needs and wants, I wanted to be spoiled, I needed attention. But I didn't think about my self at all. I think that not thinking about self means you lack it, to some extent, unless you have it solved. Perhaps solving self is to lose it. That's very zen, no? I think I'd rather be confused.

Then I worried about selves, and I divided them into different personalities. I did many things, knew many crowds, and while they overlapped some I was a different person in each.

I've been through brian's fairy game. I don't know if I'm through it. I don't think about it like that these days. I probably will again. That has something to do with .

Today I am me, in a different way than I've been me before. That is self. I exist and I think. I think I exist. It's a take on "I think therefore I am" that I haven't gotten before, though very simply it is what he meant. It all depends on perspective. And goes to show some things don't get taught all that well for all you learn them. :)